The Pink Elephant in the Room

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing and I thought about writing this post.  It's the first post I've consciously thought about writing and started scripting out in my head.  Granted I'm not sure how much I'll remember of what how I wanted to phrase things but I'll give it a go.

If you were here with me, I'd say "Let's get a cup of coffee and chat".  I already have my Dunkin Donuts, so get yours and let's dive in. 

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N

" a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies" From Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Yes, it's a scary word and no one like to talk about it much like the pink elephant in the room.  But I'm braving the scary world and am going to talk about it.  

Hello, my name is Kristen and I suffer from depression.  No, I'm not sad all the time.  No, I do not have suicidal thoughts.  No, there is no medicine that will make me "happy".  You may certainly not ask me if I've taken my medicines because I'm upset.  I can be upset without it being because of depression.  Yes, I try to do things that will improve my physical health and raise my level of endorphin.

Sure, I have good days and bad days and sometimes I feel completely lost in a sea of emotions but mostly I just live my life every day trying to stay positive, enjoy the experiences and manage my body, including the depression, as best I can.  

One day while visiting with a doctor, I was asking about the various medicines out there and the way they help someone with depression.  The doctor explained to me that there are no magic happy pills that the commercials would have you believe.  The medicine that we were talking about was meant to "even the ship out" so that instead of "feeling like you were swaying with waves, you would feel a little more even keel".  I've always enjoyed that description and it's given me a sense of calm when trying to understand why I need to continue taking medicine.  

I'm not sure why I needed to write it and maybe I'll never hit publish but I do know that it was important for me to put it in writing. For anyone else out there, suffering through anything at all, I hope you find comfort, security and safety.  

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

I've been reading blogs on and off all morning and stumbled upon this great linkup.  So since I really write this blog to myself most days, I thought I would give it a try.  


From a blog I just discovered, Little Mama Jama "Today, I’m joining the Things I’m Afraid To Tell You linkup!  Thank you to Jess Constable, who came up with this idea, as well as Ez of Creature Comforts, who turned it into a movement.  Here is a Huffington Post article on this topic by Laura Rossi."


 - I have so many ideas in my head about projects I want to try, crafts I want to create and things I want to do that it can be overwhelming.  But alas, when I try to get started, I draw a blank at how to begin.  I'm working on writing things down so that I can figure out at least one or two of the idea and see them through to completion. 


- I have my Bachelor's degree and Master's degree (plus way too much student loan debt to think about) but I still don't know what I want to do when I "grow up" .  I enjoy what I used to do in my field but now I feel like I'm in a jut.  However as the "breadwinner" in our family, I know I can't quit right now to pursue other dreams...maybe someday


- I have 2 terrible irrational fears that can easily take over my usually outgoing personality.  I am terrified of people hearing me go to the "potty" (Big Bang Theory, anyone?) I run water, turn on fans and sometimes make my cell phone play music to mask any noises.  I am also terrified that folks I see/meet each and every day are judging me because I'm a tall & big girl.  It consumes me walking by myself across the street even to get breakfast.  


-  I suffer from depression for most of my adult life.  I take meds on and off to help with it but mostly I just try to get up each day and start anew.  Recently I started having panic attacks..perhaps because our wedding is a few short months away (less than 3 to be exact) but I have had to learn how to deal with those without shutting down and leaving myself in bed all day. 


- On a happier note, I have always wanted to live in Florida.  It is the one place since I'm a kid that I have yearned to live but as of today, I have no yet lived there.  It was close one year when I interviewed for a job in Miami but it just wasn't quite what I wanted.  I dream about living in Tampa and being close enough to drive to Disney whenever the mood struck me!